Pain is not knowing who you are

What are boundaries?

Boundaries are required in all relationships. If there are no boundaries in a relationship, there is no relationship. A relationship is a relationship between two separate entities. If there are no boundaries, then a relationship cannot exist because there are no longer two separate entities. 

I explained this concept of boundaries to my five-year-old son because it is something that I am very passionate about recently as it has truly changed my life. We were sitting on the floor across from each other. I lined up his toys to create a divisory line between him and me. I represented the parent and he represented the child. I put an object into my hand representing the “pain of the parent.”

If the parent attempts to project their pain onto their child, with boundaries in place, the pain would just bounce right back at them. Many parents subconsciously or consciously erode this boundary between themselves and their child and then bring their child into their personal circle, and personal boundary. Now that the child is in their circle, there is no barrier, and they can freely pass this object of pain onto their child to avoid feeling their own pain. 

The parent is essentially treating their child as an extension of themselves. 

For the child to be in their parent’s circle, they need to relinquish and disown their sense of self to maintain a “loving” relationship with the parent. 

One of the most common examples of this within the dynamic of parent and child, is when the child doesn’t listen to the parent making them feel angry and “disrespected.” When the child doesn’t listen to their parent, the parent feels like they don’t matter in ways they felt in their own childhood. When the parent lashes out at their child for not listening, they are effectively making their child feel responsible for feelings that have nothing to do with them and thereby treating their child as an extension of themselves. 

Another common example is when the parent uses their child as their emotional support system, or as their personal therapist so to speak. This emotional trauma is the trauma of role reversal between parent and child, which is an extreme boundary violation that eviscerates the child’s sense of self who now needs to play the role of the parent. 

(Note: There are many more examples of boundary violations which I will share in my upcoming online community)

Yes, these traumas are likely all in the past. However, the issue in our current lives isn’t the traumas that have happened to us. The issue is how we perpetuate our traumas and pain. For example, because your parents lacked boundaries with you, you may obsess over what other people are thinking and feeling because you feel you are responsible for how they feel. You feel you are an extension of all others because you are an extension of your parents. You may have adopted a selfless identity because you believe you are an extension of all others, as if it’s your identity and reason for existence.  

All of this is a major reason why we feel pain. We feel pain because we are not in connection with who we are. We feel pain because we were not allowed to be who we are. We continue to feel pain because we abandon ourselves emotionally. 

“Pain is not knowing who you are.”

Listen to your pain by reclaiming your sense of self and reclaiming your boundaries.